he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
This is classic penis vs brain.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
