Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
