Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
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