Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
