hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
