ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
This show inspires me to have sex in space
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize
