I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
