i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
