We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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