dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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