I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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