A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
