first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
