Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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