i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
