I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
