my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize