She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Well I just put wine in my tea
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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