I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
i out mim tonsoeep
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize