i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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