how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Randomize
