Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Is this a definitive no? All is forlorn? Such is fine, but i'm drunk and a sucker for concrete answers
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I would ride that face into the sunset
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
