My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
