I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Randomize
