im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
