A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Randomize
