You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
