Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
We had to coat check the pizza.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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