When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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