Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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