Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
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