Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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