I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
