Just fell off a train. Bad.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
