I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
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