its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
