took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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