What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
