dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
