She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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