got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Randomize
