Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
