Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
