wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Randomize
