what day is it and did you see me today?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Randomize
