i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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