you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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