So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
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