You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
