the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
