How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
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