if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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