I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Is it penis luge time yet?
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
