Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize