I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
